Possibly more of same, unless you do something radical. Because we tend to get caught in our unconscious patterns.
To be totally transparent, I’ll share with you how one of mine is related to abandonment. When I was very young I had a lot of medical trauma and had to spend time in the hospital, away from my parents.
For three decades I denied to myself how terrifying that was, but it had a huge impact on my life. Imagine being stuck in your crib, behind bars, and every once in a while someone comes by and either hurts you or tricks you.
I got shots and had painful procedures done without anesthesia. And I remember one time a nurse came by and cheerfully gave me an “orange juice.” I was so grateful because I was thirsty. I drank it straight down and it came back up, because it wasn’t orange juice. It was medicine.
I remember feeling so duped. There I was, completely dependent on others, even for something to drink. But who could I trust?
I was too young to read, and I couldn’t tell time, so whenever my parents came to visit and left, I never knew when I was going to see them again. I felt abandoned and scared and at the mercy to whoever was on duty in the hospital. And I learned to be “nice,” because even at that age, I could see that the kids who were cooperative got better treatment.
These were some of my earliest impressions about how the world worked.
I shared a room with a little girl who had been badly burned. Amazingly, her dog had saved her. When her clothes caught fire, he’d jumped on her and pushed her to the ground and started barking to alert her parents.
In the mornings, nurses would come in to clen the rooms, and they’d roll me out into the corridor, strapped into a wheelchair. It seemed like hours that I’d be sitting out there with nothing to look at except a bee caught between the glass and the screen of a window. I remember watching that bee beating his wings so furiously, trying to escape.
I felt just like him. I wanted to escape and fly free.
It was a theme that would echo throughout my life in many different ways and on many different levels – that theme of feeling trapped and wanting to break free.
Have you ever felt that?
Having that as a backgrop drove me on a journey that took me all around the world — and finally back to my Self.
There were adventures along the way – journeys into the good, the bad, and the ugly – and finally into the good, the beautiful, and the true.
I’ll be sharing more about the abandonment wound in later posts. But I’m just wondering, can you relate to it? And if not, what’s your core wound and where has it taken you? Go ahead and put it in the comments section below.